Dear Diary..............?

I wish I could be normal . I wish I didnt wory so much about every ******* thing in my life . I wish I didnt think about being skinny enough / pretty enought 99% of the time. My brain is so messed up and I dont think it will ever change. I dont feel like I ever fit in anywhere, not even in my own family . Sometimes I wish I hadnt failed at killing myself that one day , maybe I would be in another world ..and the pain would be over. Or maybe it wouldnt..who knows..nobody really knows what the ***** gonna hapen when we die , I dont see why the whole world is obsessed with this "God" . I mean I do see why actually , their scared , scared of whats gonna happen , scared of the mystery that death holds. Oh well , **** it...I just wanna be "happy" By that I guess I mean , happy with my body , happy with my friends, happy with ...life....parents..family...school..w.e… everything . Idk , I guess I chose to be unhappy , but at the same time I didnt. Idk , Im so confused , half the time I dont even know wtf I want , or wtf Im saying , or why the **** I do the things I do , or why I curse so much , or why I act like a fool sometimes ..just because Im bored . Maybe Im just always use to getting negative attention and thats what I strive for. ..Whatever...I just wish my mom and I wouldnt hate each other..I mean I dont hate her..I just ...resent her sometimes...because of the way she acts..and the things she says...and ...just...the way she is I guess...I wish we had gotten along better all these years..I feel like I dont have a mom anymore , like I lost her , or she lost me..or I lost myself along the way ..who knows...I just wish things where different....I wish I didnt crave drugs when I feel uncomfortable or when Im just sad or mad...I wish I had more control ...I wish I didnt have sex with 25 guys...or more...I think Ive lost count...I wish I didnt have HPV and whatever else I have now , which I probably do have soemthing else..I wish my hormones werent unbalanced & I didnt have Polysistic ovaries syndrome....I wish my acne wasnt so bad...And I wish I didnt have so much cellulite..I wish I didnt eat so much when Im stressed..And I wish I could just lose weight and stop ******* up so much...I wish I wasnt so selfish...My life is a piece of cake compared to so many other people...but I just take it all for granted..I wish I knew how to change ...how to have self esteem...I wish my brothers didnt hate me...I mean I know my drug abuse ruined alot of things and alot of relationships and I didnt really notice until now....and I dont know how to fix it ...Some things are just better left broken I think....I feel like ...College isnt for me ...Like ...Im not gonna make it...like...Im just not cut out for it ... I feel like Im stupid now...like ...my brain just isnt the same it was when I was younger...who knows...All I know is ...I want to live life day by day ,...I dont wanna worry about the future or the past anymore...I just wanna worry about right now and today ...not about the guys that broke my heart...or the guys that just call me when they need their quick fix....I dont wanna worry about what everyone is saying behind my back.. Idont wanna worry about going out at night because Im scared I'll start drinking and get out of control...I dont wanna worry about my clothes not fitting me anymore because Ive been binging like crazy for weeks...I dont wanna worry about not being good enough for a guy to fall in love with me or never acting the right way for that to ever happen...I dont wanna worry about meeting guys because Im scared I'll give my most prized possesion up again...like I did the last time ..and the last time ...and the last time...I hate it ..I hate feeling used ..I hate how I dont respect myself...I hate how I have no self esteem...I hte how I wanna change things so much and I still havent ...but I like how at least Im writing this...and Im getting it out ...and maybe its time to do this more often so I can evaluate myself...because In the end the only person that can help me is ME ...and the person that can change me is ME...